1. Agree on the plan while you are calm
Bufdir, Norway’s family affairs directorate, recommends agreeing on a pause rule and a signal that either partner can use. Read its guidance in Norwegian. Choose a simple word, such as “pause”, and discuss what should happen next.
Our suggestion: write down three decisions together. Which word will we use? How will we agree on the next conversation? Who will take the initiative to restart it? This makes your expectations specific.
2. Say what you need and when you will return
“I want to finish this conversation. Right now, I need a break. Could we try again at 8.30?”
Adapt this example to your own voice. Avoid making the time an ultimatum. You could agree on a brief check-in at that time if you are unsure whether you will be ready for the full conversation.
3. Give the break a different focus
The Gottman Institute recommends around 20 minutes or more to settle, with an activity that helps you unwind. This does not mean everyone will be ready at exactly 20 minutes. Read its guidance on self-soothing.
Choose a specific activity in advance: a quiet playlist, some time sitting alone or a simple household task. The example below lets you choose one. You do not need a heart rate monitor to use the agreement.
Make a pause agreement
A starting point to adapt together. These fields stay in your browser, are not saved and are not sent to us.
Suggested agreement
I want to finish this conversation. I’ll take a break with some quiet music. Could we check in again at 20:30?
4. Check in before reopening the subject
One possible opening is: “I’m ready to try again. First, I want to hear what mattered most to you.” If you need more time, agree on another time to return. A postponed subject still needs follow-up.
Never use an app alert or a heart rate number as proof that your partner is being unreasonable. Timeout is designed to help you notice your own signals. Read how the app supports a pause.